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Best of best of craigslist: Mardi Gras YAY!

Posted by talat on July 6, 2009

Mardi Gras YAY!


Date: 2009-02-23, 7:09PM CST

My wife and I went to Mardi Gras so we could experience some wonderful diversity. I danced in the streets with a few wonderfully diverse people, both men and women, while my wife had sex with a line of strange men in a portable washroom, several at a time.

She dosen’t like to dance much anyway.
One person I was dancing with asked for some change but I had none.
Another person said I should be nice to him and buy him a beer, instead I was kind enough to let him finish a half cup of beer I had purchased earlier in the day that had grown luke warm while we danced. I hope he enjoyed it since he didn’t return the cup when he had finished but thats ok as I purchased another and returned to dancing with other people.
I was getting hungry and set off to find some wonderfully divers food like Gumbo, Gritts or chicken, something ethnic like that, when I came upon a tall fat woman streched out across the sidewalk and vomiting in the gutter. When she finished heaving and grunting she wiped the spital from around her mouth, smeared it on her shirt and asked if I wanted to buy some ” Meths”.
I gave her some money but she never returned with it or them.
In the garbage strewn gutter, right next to where she had originally thrown up, I found some decorative beads. I asked around for the original owner but got little response from my fellow party goers so I took them to the lost and found at a nearby bar, the same one I purchased the beer from as a matter of fact.
Inside the bar, a strange woman pulled her top up to expose her breasts but didn’t take her bra off, so what was the point of that?
When I asked her why she didn’t expose her breasts she said she wanted a beer so I bought her one but she still never exposed her breasts.
As I left the bar I noticed my wallet was gone so I went back inside to inquire as to its where abouts but got little response from the patrons.The diverse bartender said it might show up in a few days so I’ll have to go back and get it. On the way out I noticed the woman with the breasts decide to expose them to some other guys in the back area of the bar.
When I finally found my wife we decided to leave because we were about out of money and our house is about to be foreclosed on.
When we got back to our car we noticed someone had broken in and deficated on the driver seat. It looed as tho they were trying to spell something but it’s somewhat unclear at this point as to what it was, so we cleaned it up as best as we could but you can still smell it and there is also a huge stain on the seat. Needless to say we had to drive back to Des Peres with our windows partially rolled down.
Someone also stole the windshield wiper blades off our vehicle but we have now replaced them.
Now that I think of it, those beads probably belonged to that tall, fat woman who was puking in the gutter.

  • Location: Soulard
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1047706124

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Best of best of craigslist: I HAVE SNACKS GET IN MY BED

Posted by talat on July 6, 2009

Date: 2009-03-28, 9:29PM EDT

I HAVE CHIPS AND CANDY AND MY BED AND IM SO TIRED BUT YOU SHOULD COME SPOON ME

COME HERE

IN MY BED

WE CAN LISTEN TO SWELL MAPS

AND

PLEASE BE PRETTY

IM OKAY LOOKING

NO BOANING

DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

UNLESS I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU SOMEDAY, BUT NOT NOW.

T ACCESSABLE

I HAVE A BATHROOM

SNACKS

WOOF WOOF (DOGS OKAY)

PURR PURR (CATS OKAY TOO!)

BRING BEER ALSO

UM

MAYBE MORE SNACKS. NOTHING CHEESY

UM

BYE

* Location: JP

* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1096925002

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Best of best of craigslist: Sick of showering alone with vodka martinis

Posted by talat on July 6, 2009

Date: 2009-05-22, 7:21PM EDT

So I was in the shower this morning, having a vodka martini while washing my hair, and I thought “wouldn’t it be great if I had a girl to do this for me?”

I mean wash my hair, not drink the martini… I can do that myself…

So after heading outside and kicking some homeless men so I could steal their change cups for cash, I popped into a Starbucks and ordered a non-fat soy chai latte, then had the barista stir it with her tongue. You didn’t know Starbucks did that? Well you’ve probably never asked. Try it next time.

I sat down and fired up my laptop, first browsing a couple porn sites to see if my sister was getting any work… then opened up Craigslist and started to write.

So by this point of my profile, you probably want to shoot me in the kneecap with a small girly handgun… Let me give you some more ammunition…

* While surfing in Africa last winter, I lied to my friend about which beaches had shark sightings then went to the worst one. I smeared his board with fish guts. Once he was attacked, I pulled him from the water… I’m a goddamn hero!

* I’ve never stolen a car without returning it with a full tank of gas, two tickets to a hockey game, and a gently used handgun in the trunk. Juuuuuust kidding…. who can afford hockey tickets these days? Come to think of it, who can afford gas?

* I know the difference between a fine kilo of pure Columbian yay, and a shopping bag full of icing sugar, so don’t try and double cross me like my first four wives.

* Everyone hates mimes… but not me. I respect someone who knows when to shut the fuck up. If we all did that, there’d be less war. Then again, if there was less war, Hollywood would start making more movies about teens trying to lose their virginity before college. I lost mine in grade 8 to my parent’s chubby Greek cleaning lady… how come no one makes a movie about that?

* My agent thinks I’m an asshole. Partially because I never pay her, partially because I keep getting her name wrong. I’m bad with names. If we sleep together, and I wake up and call you Betty, Sally, or Billy-Jo, don’t be offended. I have the same problem with phone numbers, so if you wonder why I don’t call… it’s cause some nice family in the ‘burbs is getting non-stop booty calls at 2am in your place.

* Don’t worry about that though, as I never sleep with the same girl twice. You wouldn’t ask DaVinci to paint another copy of the Mona Lisa, would you?

* I get mistaken for Tom Cruise almost everywhere I go. Not Tom Cruise the actor, Tom Cruise the assistant pottery teacher at Langley Highschool (go RiverRats!)

Now, since guys online dating all seem to like to tell YOU what YOU should be like (don’t you love that?), I’ll do the same.

* Don’t be blonde. I’m bored of blondes in this town (like any of you are really blonde anyway… pfft… Grow some self-confidence and go back to your natural colour.) Sure blondes have more fun… but brunettes try harder, and I respect a woman who puts some effort in, and blondes just have it too easy.

* I don’t care where you live. I have a car. I like driving. Have some ice cream and pie waiting for me and I’ll drive to Brossard (well… it’d have to be homemade pie if you live in Brossard.)

* I’d prefer if you ARE married or have a boyfriend…. Look… I’m not going to sit around picking out new cutlery from a catalogue with you, or help you walk your tiny little dog. You should have a steady boyfriend or husband for that. I’m like a roller coaster, fun to ride by yourself (or preferably with your best friend!)… but terrible for trying to have a dinner party on!

Well… that’s it for me.
Smell ya later…

PS. If I’ve piqued your curiosity, you should know that it’s Ok for you to email me. I won’t tell your friends, family, husbands, or boyfriends that you’ve been browsing Craigslist’s personals… and don’t you want to know if I just talk the talk, or walk the walk?

PPS. Please include a photo of yourself, preferably in a dress, but failing that, underwear. And failing that, track pants and a dirty t-shirt always work.

PPPS, Both my parole officer and my therapist have given me the thumbs up to date since “the bank incident”.

* Location: Montreal
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1184395871

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1184395871.html

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